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The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

adapted from From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989

All-or-nothing thinking

You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure.

Overgeneralization

You see a single negative incident as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it.

Discounting the positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don’t count."

Jumping to conclusions

You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Also includes Mind reading and Fortune-telling.

Magnification

You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reject the way things really are.

"Should statements"

You tell yourself that things and people should be the way you would like them to be. Using "musts," "oughts" and "have tos" and similar words.

Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I’m a loser."

Personalization and blame

Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be responsible for the problem:

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Rational therapy's core irrational ideas


1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do -- instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned -- instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People's poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be -- instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events -- instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it -- instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities -- instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than yourself on which to rely -- instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.  (See Notes)

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects -- instead of the idea that we would better do rather than always need to do well and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it -- instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things -- instead of the idea that the world is full of probability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction -- instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things -- instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often employ to create them.

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WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE

1. BE NURTURING BUT DON'T SMOTHER YOUR CHILD.

2. IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE. 

3. BE A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL.

4. PLAY WITH YOUR CHILD.  SPEND TIME WITH HIM/HER.

5. ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME AND INCLUDE THEM IN CONVERSATIONS.

6. DON'T LABEL YOUR CHILD "he's shy."

7. ENCOURAGE BUT DON'T PUSH.  LET THEM MAKE DECISIONS.

8. GIVE THEM JOBS TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE.

9. BE PROUD OF THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS - HANG PICTURES ON THE FRIDGE ETC.
 

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Alcoholism Definition:

Alcoholism is an illness marked by consumption of alcoholic beverages at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and social, family, or occupational responsibilities.

-Many experts believe that once someone has been identified as having a problem with alcohol,  complete abstinence is the only option.

-This site does not subscribe to the belief that 1 to 2 drinks a day is alright for anyone.

-There are a lot of misconceptions about alcohol. 

-An addiction specialist deals with addictions day in and day out.

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 Links to online tests to see if you are an alcoholic

Alcohol screening   

Alcoholic test

Cage assessment

Alcohol Self Assessment

Is Alcoholics Anonymous for you - twelve questions

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Results of Dept of Justice Study into Children of Divorce

Four types of research studies provide a picture of roughly defined risk factors that divorce sets off in families and that seem to lead to negative results for children (Stewart, 2001: 12-13). These risk factors include episodes of violence; ongoing inter-parental conflict and hostility; sudden and/or frequent moves of residence and schools; interruption of peer relationships; economic hardship; disruption of parenting routines and abilities, introduction of new adult partners; remarriage; loss of contact with the non-custodial parent; psychological maladjustment of one or more parents; and, loss of security and predictability. Collectively, these risk factors seem directly connected to a variety of negative outcomes for children. These include psychological disorders (depression and anxiety); feelings of sadness, loss and anger; under-achievement at school and in employment; social problems, including delinquent and deviant behaviour; a higher incidence of drug and alcohol abuse; poor parent-child relationships; and poor adult relationships, based on a lack of trust with a high incidence of early divorce.

Children of single parents by A. Rogers

The National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) of has come out with a [study] called Father Facts--I've been studying that--showing the effect of the absentee father in America. In juvenile delinquency an absent father is the common denominator when kids are involved in rape, school drop-out, child abuse, welfare dependency, all these other things. "Fatherlessness is the engine that is driving our social problems," said David Blankenhorn, NFI [Board Member] and author of the book Fatherless America. The sum conclusion is this and I quote," The data shows beyond any doubt that fatherlessness is the crisis of our day." The number of children living with only their mother grew from 5.1 million in 1960 to 15.6 million in 1993. Folks, about forty percent of children who live in fatherless homes see their father less than once a year. This book points out that adolescent girls reared without fathers are much more likely to be sexually active than girls reared in two parent families. Eighty percent of adolescents in psychiatric hospitals come from broken homes. You say well it's really just a problem of low income. It is not a problem of low income. Children from low income two parent families out perform students from high income single parent homes. From 1982 to 1991 the arrest rates for juveniles increased ninety-three percent for murder. Seventy-two percent for aggravated assault, twenty-four percent for forcible rape and ninety-seven for car theft. Of all adolescent murderers, seventy-two percent grew up without fathers.

Focus on the Family facts:

"The death of a parent has a less harmful effect on children than divorce or separation, according to research conducted by University College Dublin. The research showed that children of divorced parents performed worse at school, had less social skills and a greater chance of developing depression. It also found that children felt a greater sense of loss when their parents broke up than when one of them had died."
Online.ie news 02/09/04.

Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married.
Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married.
The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously.
Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later
Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, Institute for American Values, 2002.

In a study comparing states with easy no-fault divorce to those without it, children in states with no-fault divorce were:

·          More likely to live with a divorced parent

·          Less educated with much larger changes of dropping out of high school or college

·          More likely to live in families with lower incomes

·          More likely to have a marriage break-down themselves

Children living in postdivorce/separation custody are indeed more likely to have [emotional or behavioural] problems. The odds of these children having one or more problems is 13 percent higher than for children living with both parents [legally married or common-law]."
Haddad, T., "Custody Arrangements and the Development of Emotional or Behavioural Problems in Children," 1998

"Children living in post-divorce custodial arrangements have a higher prevalence of behavioural or emotional problems than children living with both parents."
HRDC, Online NLSCY Fact Sheet, "Family Structure in Canada"
www.hrdc-drhc.gc.ca/common/news/dept/fact5.shtml

"Not only do children whose parents divorce put off marriage relative to children from intact families, but once married they are more likely to suffer separation or divorce."
Corak, Miles, "Death and Divorce: The Long-term Consequences of Parental Loss on Adolescents", Research Paper Series, Statistics Canada, June 9, 1999, No. 135.

Marriage for a low-income single parent almost certainly resulted in the movement of the children out of low-income [within a year]… Separation in a two-parent family 'near' the low-income cut off increased eleven-fold the likelihood of a child entering low income."
Picot, G. Mzyblock, and Pyper, W. for Statistics Canada, "Why Do Children Move into and Out of Low Income," 1999.

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How to get people to like you:

Notice the color of everybody’s eyes you meet or talk with.

Synchronize your movements and body language to them.

Speak in the same tone as them.

Have your heart pointing at their heart.

Practice good hygiene.

Nurture friendships but don't take up too much of other people's time.

Respect others and judge nobody.

Say the word "GREAT" to yourself when your walking and meeting new people.

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How to keep your cool and not get mad at loved ones:

1. Think of all the positive things they have done.

2. Remember they are not perfect nor are you.

3. We make ourselves angry.  Other people cannot make us mad.

4. You are more likely to repeat a previous response.   

5. Pause and Breathe and remember the above.

6. Resolve your own issues.

back to save your marriage

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Save your marriage:

1. Be confident, be positive.

2. Pause and slowly count to three before you speak or react in anger.

3. Be a good listener and agree with everything your spouse says or does even when they're complaining.

4. Be content.

5. Find out what your spouse's favourite snack or drink etc. is, and keep it on hand in case they show up but don't let on to them that you have a steady supply of it for whenever they come over.

Don't do these:

1. Begging  "Can I come back?" or "Things will be different"  etc.

2. Saying "I miss you" or "I love you" over and over.

3. Disagreeing, bickering, arguing.

4. Being negative.

Remember

*If you want to bring about a change in your spouse, change yourself first.  By changing   our own behaviour, we effect a change in our partners'.

*What we say matters.  St. James says  "... no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

 Like a tiny rudder on a large boat, when we control the speech, we guide our lives into the direction we want.

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Why fathers need to be in their children's lives:

"To the world, you're just somebody; to a child, you are the world."

presentation of mary

Fathers: Do not underestimate your role in your child's life, even if you have been absent for years or decades.  Also, do not underestimate the forgiving nature of a child. 

A Child's perspective:  A child will never stop thinking about his father.  They long for a positive relationship with their Dad.  No amount of time can end this.

Fathers and children:  Fathers need to make the first move and reconcile with their children.  You're the adult and even if you don't feel worthwhile as a person, believe it or not, you're important to your child.

Note: The above obviously doesn't apply to any parents who are a danger to their kids in any way, have family court orders against them, orders in respect to custody, parental, adoption or any other legal agreements and orders in place.  Use common sense.

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Children Learn What They Live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

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A child's view of separation and divorce: 

Most young children don't have the ability to understand separation or divorce.  It's inconceivable.  A child understands that he/she has a mommy and a daddy and that they will always be together.  That is their truth.  

I don't subscribe to any notion that parents be "honest" and tell their children they are separating or divorcing.  They won't fully understand it.  It would just create in many children: confusion, guilt, shame, trust issues,  anxiety, depression and insecurity.   There is no benefit in the totally "honest" approach.  Separation and divorce are grown up concepts and not a child's responsibility to bear.  You're better off telling them that "daddy is going away to work for a while but will be back" - which is not completely untrue anyway.  Never tell a child that "mommy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore" or that "daddy is not going to live here anymore."

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An effective reward system:

If your are trying to bring about new behaviours through what is called "Positive Reinforcement", the most effective is the Variable Ratio Schedule.  This is when reinforcement for the desired behaviour is distributed on a randomly averaged basis.  A variable ratio of 5 means that the desired behaviour is randomly reinforced on average, every 5th time it has occurred.  It's powerful and the psychology behind slot machines and video lottery terminals.

The goal however, is to work toward obtaining the desired behaviour without the individual expecting a reward, but to do it because it has its own intrinsic benefit.

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Help for insomniacs:

Many people have trouble sleeping at night.  They roll and toss around in bed convincing themselves they are not tired.  If you can convince yourself that you are not sleepy when you are dead tired, then you have the ability to firmly persuade yourself to think you are tired.

The difference between a good sleeper and an insomniac is that one who is tired-thinks he's tired while the other one though tired-thinks he's not.

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Recognize that love has to come from you

How to get the love you need

For a survivor of child abuse or someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, you may be suffering from self hate/low self esteem. You also maybe waiting around for a parent to give you the love and/or acceptance you never received as a child.  It's very unlikely that the love and respect you need right now is going to come from a parent or family member who abused, mistreated or abandoned you.  The love and acceptance has to come from within.  Nobody else can give that to you.
While difficult at first, it gets easier. You deserve it?  Self compassion allows us to love ourselves.

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